i have experienced social exclusion and the underlying reason is homosexuality.


Homosexuality

Among other experiences, in the past, i have had homosexual experiences. My father had died a few years earlier. i distinctly remember the day when suddenly i became the target of homophobic attacks by my peers. The other party turned homophobic, but i did not. Despite what i have experienced i have never turned homophobic nor undermined but defended my right and my choice to having homosexual experiences in the first place (see for example queerbychoice.com). The author has never regreted his homosexual experiences.

The author has found that in many cases rumor preceded him in his social interactions. Usualy i was expected either to turn homophobic or confess my "crime" and submit to a certain "stereotype" (made by others). i did neither. But also never became a hypocrite about homosexuality and homosexual experiences. As such i was always a target one way or another. The author is a free spirit in sexual matters. Love is free, love freely, free love.

Greece is a homophobic country. My relatives included. Maybe they dont hate me but they dont support me either for such matters. For example my mother does not want to speak about these matters. The church is not separate from the state and is homophobic and hypocritical and has influence in the population. There has been some progress only lately (2006) with some gay prides and a law that homosexual couples can live together (2015), but are not allowed political marriage nor have children.


Social Exclusion

Social exclusion (according to wikipedia) is the process in which individuals or people are systematically blocked from (or denied full access to) various rights, opportunities and resources that are normally available to members of a different group, and which are fundamental to social integration and observance of human rights within that particular group (e.g., housing, employment, healthcare, civic engagement, democratic participation, and due process).[..] Anyone who appears to deviate in any way from perceived norms of a population may thereby become subject to coarse or subtle forms of social exclusion.

Social exclusion includes hate speech, attacks but is not only that. It can be less visible, for example is also the undermining of one's rights, undermining of one's privacy, restricted access, if any, to social relations, services and jobs and so on.

The author was a student at a place (far from home) which is infamous for its "bad sense of localism". i wont mention it here. The "locals" are good, the others are just "strangers". There at some point i had a relationship with a local girl. i was not the first relationship the girl ever had. She had others before me and i think she had others after me as well. At some point i mentioned that i have had homosexual experiences. Maybe they thought that i was trying to cover up homosexuality or trying to avoid marriage (i'm against marriage as an outdated institution, but that's another story), while i was just being honest. Then after a while we broke up, i did not like the behavior. The whole relationship lasted about one year. Then i experienced a strong form of social exclusion from the environment including hate speech. i was the "stranger". A "strange stranger". My friends left me or just withered away. i dont blame them so much, most of them were students and "strangers" too, social exclusion was strong and one needed to be conscious about social matters and willing to stand up.

Some of the folks i knew were seeing some (local) priests that seemed to help them. i decided to do the same. It should be pointed out that i do recognise spirituality, even though i'm not into religion particularly. i thought they could be neutral judges. i was wrong. There i was manipulated and filled with guilt, among other things, something i understood only some time after. At that point i had a suicide attempt (1999) as a reaction and protest to social exclusion and all these things.

The suicide attempt led me to follow "psychiatric" treatment for some time, which i did voluntarily. It should be pointed out that i mentioned being and feeling socialy excluded, although i did not understand the magnitude at that time. The diagnose was "emotional disorder".


Why me? Why in this way?

Honestly, i dont know. i am a nobody! i can hardly believe it myself! Even though i can estimate some reasons i am not the one to explain the reasons, but those who are responsible for this. Some of the reasons i can think of are:


Aftermath

After all that had happened, i tried to clear things up and start over again. But i was now even more socialy conscious about social exclusion and homosexuality and had an even more activist spirit.

My mother could not understand all this and maybe was a a little scared too and for a time i was in and out of psychiatric wards. During these commitments i was drugged and altered my consciousness without my consent, beat up, tied up, threatened and humiliated. In one time i even got into a hunger strike (around 26 days) as a protest. The personel there asked me if i was "anorexic" ("anorexia nervosa"), even though i was explicit about a hunger strike. The diagnoses vary from "psychotic syndrome" (an umbrella term for any "psychotic behavior"), to "emotional disorder" to "bipolar disorder" to "(paranoid) schizophrenia". So now i have to face an additional stigma that of weirdo or psycho. Psychiatrists dont care about what has happened, they use labels as if they mean something in a void of social interactions and relations. i have my views on the psychiatric establishment and the role it serves in society at large, but that's another story.

i am exhausted and i am devastated by all these things.

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